I'm a loser baby

I always do it to myself
Fall for someone and then freak out because I think I'm losing them
This time I betrayed all of my beliefs
And fell in love with a boy who lives halfway across the country

Marriage
HA
Can I be married to someone who doesn't have enough time to even say hello?
Can I be married to someone who's voice I hear only once a week?

No.
No.
I'm done
Fucking finished

The sad thing is
No matter how many times I say that
I never follow it for long

I don't make any sense anymore


I'm NOT looking forward to 2/14
Usually I don't, but this year, even less
I'm supposed to be dedicated to a man who doesn't act like a fucking man
And I find myself attracted to my best friend; the only guy I ever spend time with, the only one who actually understands me
I'm so confused, and I can't figure out why I don't just snap the fuck out of it

My mom's now Mrs. Endter
This is scarier than I thought it would be
Jeremy has legal standing over me?
Let's just wait for him to abuse it.

I've quit everything that needs to be quit.
Now I just need to work to get back the friends that I've lost.


I've fucked up so much.
I wanna make things right again.



You have no idea how badly

I could hardly sleep last night
There's so much on my mind.
Mom's getting married today
And I'm giving her away.
I'm surprised I can even walk straight
With all the coke I put up my nose last night.
And all the alcohol still in my system.
And the weed that's clouding my judgment.

No more.
I don't need this stupid shit adding to my troubles.
PSATs are next week
And I fully intend to pass them.
My future needs to be secured before I fuck up my mind too badly.

I'm done partying.
I'm done drinking.
I'm done with the drugs.

I just want to make my parents proud.

So Ali is pregnant
How the hell did I know this was going to happen?
For the last couple of months,
I've had an inkling that she might be.

She's like, 6 weeks pregnant now.
Really, all I can do is laugh.
Especially because I still find myself caring,
Even though I know I shouldn't.

Can you believe that I've imagined me and her
Raising her child together?

The guy already has 2 kids that he hasn't acknowledged.
What honestly makes her think that he's going to stick around for this one?

Why the hell do I still love her?
And why do I see myself being with her and 'our' child?


This doesn't make any fucking sense

Finally it's happened.
He acknowledged the weird bond that we have
And we're official.

How many times have I said that
"I've never felt this way before."?
Too many times to count.
How many times have I said that
"It's totally different this time."?
I lost track long ago.

Today I figured out that it's different with everyone
So of course you can't have "felt like this" before.

But until now, I never really realized what it was
To want nothing but to dedicate yourself to one person.
Everything you live and breathe is them.
Every moment I'm not with him is a moment wasted.

The only thing I worry about
Is what's going to happen when he's no here anymore?
Granted, I want him to be around forever
But that's unlikely.




Will I be able to breathe?

Last night equaled
-Partying in Shelton
-Excessive smoking
-Marijuana
-Drinking
-Sex

Why do I keep doing this?
Acting like I respect myself after nights like that.
Acting like I don't mind feeling dirty and sloppy and used.

Whenever I get upset, it seems like I always have to drown myself in something.
Alcohol,
Drugs,
Boys,
& Girls.




Tonight is homecoming.
I'm sure I'll do the same thing I always do.
Sit around feeling fat and out of place
Until the last half hour
And then wonder where all the time went.

Every time.
Every fucking time.
It's like I'm broken and stuck on repeat.

Ugh.
I'm disgusting.
I'm going to go shower.

Again.

Today
Is the day
That I've been dreading for a while

Tomorrow
Will be the other night
That I've been dreading


Because there was no school today
I got stuck at home
And of course my mom woke me up around 11
Because I can find "better things to do than sleep"

I couldn't

The three people that I wanted to be with the most
Are together
Without me
Having the time of their lives

While I'm stuck here
Sulking and plotting the death of someone who only exists inside of my mind
Call me crazy
I wouldn't lame you

So much has happened in the last few weeks
Partying, drinking, puking my brains out
Sneaking off to Seattle to attend a rave
(Which, by the way, I didn't really enjoy)
And a few other things that really shouldn't be mentioned on the net
Well, they could be if I chose to list them
But believe me, you don't want to know..

Other day I saw him again
The boy I was talking about in my last entry
Ricky.

What is it about him that just makes me feel safe?
Whenever I'm with him, I don't need to say much
We both know there's something there
But who's gonna be the first to acknowledge it?

School again
I have to admit, I think I'm going to like this year better
The only class that has potential to suck
Is my math class
Especially since it's a remedial course for me
And I'm the only one in it over 14

My mom has become a swinger
And it's more than just a little scary
Tonight she decided to bring the party home in the form of another person
Parents and threesomes?

I think I just threw up a little

P.S.
I almost flipped my car yesterday

I'm driving.
Legally.
With a license on hand.
And I like it.



A little too much.


Went to Jessica's last night
And we ended up hanging out with people I didn't know
Until almost 3 in the morning.
And then I drove home with a drunken, ranting friend on a dark road in a scary town.
I never realized until yesterday just how intimidating Seabeck is in the dark.

I met a boy.
And I really like him.
No, I didn't sleep with him.
But I'm number 3 on his top on myspace.
Before his mother.


Does that mean anything?
Or am I just a victim to over creativity?

Sometimes I want things to work out
Even though I know there's a good chance it won't.
That's why I get my heart broken.
My sleeve is a bad place to keep it.
Don't you agree?

Color Guard
I love it
I could do this for a long time
But can I commit to the practice times?
5pm-8pm M, W, F

No
I don't think I can
Me?
The girl who'd much rather be off
Snorting coke
Or smoking weed?

The girl who would pass up hanging out with her own sister
Just to pop pills
Or inject my arms with liquid courage?



What happened to me?
Why am I doing this?
Why am I spiraling out of control
And pretending like I can handle it?